HOW INFERTILITY FEELS.

Infertility, does the pain ever go away,. No it never completely goes away, infertility alters the course of your life. But if you don't do what you can to find a way to feel joy again, before you realize you miss out on all the happy times that come into your life.  I'm digging deep and sharing what my infertility journey was like for me.

I can remember so clearly when I found out I was never going to be able to experience the joy of carrying a baby and giving birth. I had an idea of what was coming, having Turner Syndrome it was a classic feature. But I wanted to find out from the Doctors. So off I went and had all the tests and it was confirmed, the chances of me ever falling pregnant were very low. I remember walking out that day feeling crushed and brokenhearted. I never really knew anyone that had faced this kind of Infertility so i didn't know how common it was. It really felt isolating and scary.

INFERTILITY FELT LIKE BEING OUT OF CONTROL. 
Being a Mummy was a huge part of my dream since I was really young. I loved kids and knew I would make a great Mum. Having a family with my soul mate was part of my life plan. But as I found this can change so very quickly with no control. I am such a plan follower, I feel centered when I plan for what is coming next and prepare for it. But this was something I had no control over and could not change. It was set in stone.

Even though I had done research and knew what coming, I was still not prepared when the storm actually hit. I was told by the doctor that IVF was an option to try but the success rate was not very good at all. Even knowing this and talking with my Husband I was determined to give it a try. But again It was out of my control, after many cycles we were still unsuccessful. We knew it was time to close that chapter and try to move on. This was an emotional roller coaster, I couldn't think of not keep trying but my body felt so exhausted after everything.

INFERTILITY AND THE SENSE OF HOPELESSNESS AND NOONE UNDERSGTANDS WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.
This feeling is so overwhelming, why me? Why won't my body do this one thing my Husband and I want so badly. I wanted so much to give this to him. Know that feeling too? The constant sense of hopelessness and worthless which lead to depression and the feeling of constant ANGER, and nobody understands. But this wasn't true. so many other women go through the same heartbreaking grieving process as I did. I was not alone.

THE FEELING THAT EVERYONE AROUND ME SEAMED TO BE GETTING PREGNANT. 
Looking back now this was not true, but it sure felt like it my mind. That knawing feeling feeling being on Facebook seeing birth photos of new born babies. Even though we were struggling with Infertility I felt a sense of happiness. To me this was important as it was accepting that ot wasn't anyone's fault of my struggle and they shouldn't be punished with my feeling of anger. they deserved to be happy. I took this as a healing process for me, a chance to feel joy again. A chance to release the dark cloud above.

So know my friend that you are not alone, and there is no rule book when it comes to our feelings and emotions. I send you the biggest hug from me to you anmd hope I can help your journey be more bearable. Grab my free guide to my journey and how I found joy again, share with friends who might be going through the same thing. :Let's help each other.

Kristi Xx

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